Aurelia, Socks and The Little Prince
A pep talk to oneself and a poem of appreciation
I wrote this last night. It feels to me that this is the 3rd part of a series maybe that I started on Saturday. We’ll see. The first 2 posts of this (Good morning feels with voiceover and The black liquid) were written in Hungarian then got translated. This one came in English and it connects to the first two by feels, sensing and by my tuxedo cat: Socks/Zokni
It’s almost 1am. I really should just go to bed and stop thinking. Instead I am sitting in front of the computer and remembering the part from one of those movies (Love actually) where Colin Firth’s character, Jamie was writing outside in Spain or in Portugal maybe and then Aurelia came to bring him coffee and took the empty cup, which was acting as paper weight and the wind took all the pages and blew them into the lake… And this makes me laugh. I bet those pages were empty for the movie’s sake. The use of two languages to explain what they were thinking was genius!
But then I am also thinking if I am lucky or not for writing in an app on a computer. It’d be such a waste of paper if I used my typewriter. At least today, when I was trying to sort out my thoughts and give myself a pep talk. And unlike other times, it started over 3 times. I was ready to give up. I would’ve made so much litter. It’s there, only in electronic format. It’s ok. I write for myself. I am writing this because of me, for myself.
***
It’s so much easier to give a ‘pep talk’ to others. When it comes to me though, I keep my standards impossibly high. I am not at all gentle with myself. I am very aware of what I said 13 years ago and the fact that I now think differently hurts. I don’t need to report to anyone else but myself and that’s plenty. Nobody else’s judgement should matter and I am kind of ok with that, but with my own. I do judge myself. Big time. These are facts. But to get to the point… Not sure if there is one. It’s just a mix of thoughts. That’s the point. I am sorting through them as the letters appear on the screen.
***
I was writing about my cat earlier. The one that has a tuxedo open and his white shirt/fur is peeking out. I do understand him. I think. He has trust issues. Every once in a while when he lets me catch him, I hold him close to my face and enjoy the softness of his fur. I hold him against my chest and after a minute or two he forgets that he wants to escape and starts purring. He loves getting love and attention. He craves it. So I give him some love whenever I can, then I let him go. So it’s not another trauma for him. There will be another time to hold him close. I hope.
He was a stray. He’s lived a rough life in New York City before coming to live here and under the surface he is still that kitten.
It’s tough getting rid of habits. It’s hard letting people close. You don’t really believe that there could be someone who really gets you. You might compromise. You are aware at the beginning that not everything is 100%, but because you don’t think you can ever get all that you want, you settle. This, too, is something that needs to be worked on. Learning to believe that we are deserving. Accepting, too. Finding that Golden Middle Road and staying on it.
My cat is not compromising. He says when he wants something and when he gets it he takes it. But he doesn’t give himself fully to anyone. Life taught him not to trust. To cure him, I think I need to sit with him some time longer. Even though I am not sure if there will be a positive outcome. If I’ll ever tame him. But I can’t let him go.
“What does that mean - ‘tame’?”
“It’s an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It means to establish ties.”
“‘To establish ties’?”
“Just that,” said the fox. “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need for you. And you, on your part, have no need for me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. but if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world…”
***
“What must I do to tame you?” asked the little prince.
“You must be very patient,” replied the fox. “First you will sit down a little distance from me - like that in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day…”
Quotes from Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s The little prince
Thank you
For the joy
The words
The dream
I never dreamed before.
Thank you for
The acquaintances
The laughs
And cries
And worries.
Thank you for
Reminding me
Of the beauty
Of words
When we write
Or when we read.
Thank you for the meaning.
For the wise ones
Who stepped on
Those paths before.
For teaching
For the ability of learning.
Thank you for
Teaching me
That one's head or heart
Is a wondrous place
And both can hurt
And both can soar
As a result of words.