Having developed the habit of reading posts/notes to go with my morning coffee, my thoughts are swirling and I don’t know what to do with them. Plus, on top of this, today is a gloomy day; cold, with rain and having gone to bed late and having slept a normal amount of hours, it’s also kind of late.
But this isn’t what matters to me at the moment.
Yesterday I was set out to read. Books. Instead, time got away with me, reading posts and trying to achieve something, being that support I came here to be. Not to the girl in the distance but those whom I saw not being seen, to highlight what could be maybe done just a bit differently. To make them feel seen. Nobody asked. I did it anyway because that’s how I felt.
Looking at yesterday with today’s eyes, it looks like a lot of activity and that always makes me think of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. And the saying that less is more. I am not good at it. Not. Though, it’s just one small note here and a small act there that can make a difference. Those little things are what matter. To me, anyway.
And look at me. This is not why I grabbed the laptop. The reason was to exhale the feelings that are swirling in me since who knows how long. Those thoughts that pop in my mind while waiting for my coffee to brew in the kitchen. Not asleep, but also not quite awake, in a different kind of dimension, where half sentences fly in the air and echo in my mind and trigger other half sentences. Like if I hadn’t done something, I wouldn’t be here today. Or if all were rosy there, I wouldn’t be needed. Then the thought of purpose and the question of importance. Not only mine in other people’s lives but what causes someone else’s words to reverberate in my mind with such intensity and others’ swim away into the nothing, not given it much of a thought at all.
What are the basis on which I pick who to listen to and who to disregard. Some kind of sixth sense that might be working through the pages? These words are not even on paper, these are just digits I type into the air. Ones and zeros flickering on a screen and this is exactly what’s being done somewhere miles and miles away, in places that I’ve never been.
I was talking about a pivotal moment in my life not too long ago. There were a few of those. A lot of those in the course of my years so far, and I am sure that there will be more. Perhaps all is pivotal. They say, life is what we make it. What I do with mine is up to me. How I look at every and each moment is my decision. Or is it? I am not a believer but I can’t explain deja vu. That feeling that I’ve dreamed about before it actually happened. Or I’ve been here, I know this place, while I haven’t ever set foot there before and that’s a fact. So what about fate? I am not looking for an answer. I do what I do. Every day. I make up my mind at any given moment and either accept or rebel or do both at the same time.
So what is this about right now? I don’t know. I’ve been talking about this ‘nothing’ for a duration of time that it takes for me to type an almost full page. Couldn’t be too long, my coffee is still warm next to me.
Being content with not knowing and knowing at the same time. This kind of duality is such a strange place. I say, a gloomy day is not necessarily a bad day. It’s a good day for reading. It’s a good day for daydreaming. And it’s definitely a good day to be decisive and accepting and just being content in my body and mind and say: I am what I am and I am happy that it’s enough, if for nobody else, but for me.
PS: Don’t be fooled by all this. The reason for me to grab the ‘pen’ was the intensity of some of my feelings in the past few days. It was surprising and it was exactly how it should be. I know it. And I am happy, because this means that I’ve been living. I am living. In my body and on the page.
I think it is good just to let it all pour out. 🤗